Rock is full of unsexy performances. There's Alanis Morissette's "So Unsexy, that time Nirvana sang "In Bloom" in dresses, and the entire career of Hanson.

But what does it take to be world-class unsexy? Take a look…

 

6. Bashing Britney

It's almost too easy. Britney Spears is the all-American freak show. She's fat, she's crazy, and — at least in this video — she's also a guy.

A New York-based comedian named Greg Scarnici (aided by his friend Mario) decided to pile on — er, pay tribute to one of the most famous unsexy performances ever. For some reason, Greg envisions Britney as a pill-popping, glue-sniffing, basket case whose dance numbers involve a lot of stumbling around.

But at least now we know why she's always giggling. He's re-titled the song: "Gimme More (Pills)."

 

5. Am-hair-ican Idol

Sanjaya Malakar was never sexy to begin with. But here he seems barely human, oozing "charm" into a No Doubt song that left fans wondering: am I being serenaded, or sassed by Woody Woodpecker?

It was the haircut heard 'round the world, prompting a growl of displeasure from American Idol judge Simon Cowell. ("I presume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight.")

With this performance, Sanjaya dared America to vote him into oblivion. This week it's been exactly one year — and it's still one of the most unsexy performances ever.

 

4. Ultimate Fan

The naked ass-slapping is only the beginning, as a crazed Will Ferrell fan tries to recreate the magic of Ferrell's sexy music video in "Semi Pro."

Elsewhere on the web he's decided to re-create the movie's bear-wrestling scenes by accosting random strangers in the street while dressed in a bear costume — though that video also opens with him slapping his own ass. But it's his home-made music video that induces the most cringes. (And you'll probably do a spit take at the strategically-placed basketball.)

Must be seen to be believed!

3. World of Geekcraft

Nothing screams "unsexy" like a geek who plays "World of Warcraft" — unless it's his air-humping avatar.

This video captures a virtual come-on with a geek's virtual pelvis, for an apparently non-existent audience. (Even avatars have better things to do!) He wanders nomadicly, searching for someone — anyone — who agrees with him.

But the appropriate response to this song is always: "you wish." To actually be sexy requires more than simply saying "I'm Sexy" over and over again, and in fact, it's pretty much the opposite. The only way this song could be even less sexy is if it were sung by the pink horses from "My Little Pony, or maybe the cast of Family Guy.

 

2. Run For the Hills

This video comes from a bizarre-o universe where the sexiest music fan is Hillary Clinton. Swedish rednecks romp through a demented fiddle-and-synthesizer rendition of a 150-year-old folk song called "Cotton-Eyed Joe" — as Hillary sways in blissed-up delight.

"The Rednex" deliver a horrible reminder that there actually was a fad called "country house" music. The Swedish Euro-dance beat makes you want to sing techno music and pillage — but the awful music video has been spliced together with footage where the Clinton campaign solicits suggestions for a theme song. The colors shift like a brain-melting Arkansas rave.

And it's definitely un-sexy.

 

1. Bier Goggles

What's the least sexy music video of all time? Sexiness researchers at the University of Bakersfield have recently uncovered this rare archival footage of a German singer named "Heino."

Yes, "Heino," a man who's "a national treasure in his native Germany," if you believe Wikipedia. This video captures Heino wearing his trademark X-Ray specs which let him see through clothing, while he entertains drunken barflies by telling stories about liquor.

The bartender eventually throws him out for hitting on his wife.

Entry was posted on Sunday, March 23rd, 2008 at 5:50 pm under Strange, Internet.  Print This Post